healing myself

After taking off two weeks plus a few days from my yoga (have not done that in ages) I got back on the mat. It happened last Wednesday night at 10:30pm. I was getting ready for bed; my left leg was feeling all numby and crappy and I just had it. For some reason without thinking I decided to do my yoga practice - that simple. It was painful - I couldn't jump back or forward - too much pain. Focusing on my breath saved me. Just before midnight I finished and even though from an asana pov it was probably one of my weakest practices I felt amazing. Took a shower and went to bed - and when I laid down in bed I realized the numbness in my leg was gone.

Maybe I can heal myself.

Thursday and Friday did not practice; not enough time and mentally wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Saturday I got back on the mat. The pain was so intense in my left leg, I was literally in tears and had to stop several times throughout the standing postures, but somehow persevered. Once I hit the seated postures was feeling better and even managed to get into a rhythym. Finished first series and moved to second series up to the first seated twists and went straight to back bending. Something kept telling me that I needed to practice as this was the only way I was going to heal myself. Finally I listened.

Sunday - back on the mat. Again, full practice through second. And amazingly, although had some pain I wasn't reduced to tears. In just three practices I was feeling so much better. Every time I experienced the numbness in my left leg I just let go and concentrated on the breath.

Monday - tonight after work I got back on the mat. Was tired from work but am really looking at my practice from a healing perspective and what I need to do (so screw the moon day). Went up to navasana in first series and then skipped to second. Pain continues to reduce; but tonight I was just tired and hungry so didn't do the complete program.

My goal is to get on the mat every day this week. At minimum I want to do standing postures, back bend prep postures, back bending, closing, and seated meditation.

Saturday we leave for Paris - I cannot wait.

Pain...

I know there must be a lesson in the pain that I'm experiencing and that I must be refusing to listen to it, hence the pain won't go away. 

It's been more than four months now that I hurt my back and my left leg has never been the same. I continue to walk with a limp that I very carefully try to hide. Until two weeks ago I continued with an almost daily yoga practice, but since returning from a work trip to Portland I stopped my practice - thinking that might help. It hasn't. Interesting, when in Portland I was practicing daily - except for the week-end.

While the summer has been okay I can't stop focusing on the pain that I've been experiencing. Even right now I feel the throb on the side of my left calf - it just doesn't go away. So almost daily I apologize to D for being such a bitch. At work I do my best to cover it up and for the most part succeed. This only means that when I finally do make it home I'm miserable until I have a glass of wine.

I have to deal with the pain, stop being a B, and get out of my funk. I just don't know how. I'm getting an MRI in the next few weeks to rule out anything serious.