healing myself

After taking off two weeks plus a few days from my yoga (have not done that in ages) I got back on the mat. It happened last Wednesday night at 10:30pm. I was getting ready for bed; my left leg was feeling all numby and crappy and I just had it. For some reason without thinking I decided to do my yoga practice - that simple. It was painful - I couldn't jump back or forward - too much pain. Focusing on my breath saved me. Just before midnight I finished and even though from an asana pov it was probably one of my weakest practices I felt amazing. Took a shower and went to bed - and when I laid down in bed I realized the numbness in my leg was gone.

Maybe I can heal myself.

Thursday and Friday did not practice; not enough time and mentally wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Saturday I got back on the mat. The pain was so intense in my left leg, I was literally in tears and had to stop several times throughout the standing postures, but somehow persevered. Once I hit the seated postures was feeling better and even managed to get into a rhythym. Finished first series and moved to second series up to the first seated twists and went straight to back bending. Something kept telling me that I needed to practice as this was the only way I was going to heal myself. Finally I listened.

Sunday - back on the mat. Again, full practice through second. And amazingly, although had some pain I wasn't reduced to tears. In just three practices I was feeling so much better. Every time I experienced the numbness in my left leg I just let go and concentrated on the breath.

Monday - tonight after work I got back on the mat. Was tired from work but am really looking at my practice from a healing perspective and what I need to do (so screw the moon day). Went up to navasana in first series and then skipped to second. Pain continues to reduce; but tonight I was just tired and hungry so didn't do the complete program.

My goal is to get on the mat every day this week. At minimum I want to do standing postures, back bend prep postures, back bending, closing, and seated meditation.

Saturday we leave for Paris - I cannot wait.

Pain...

I know there must be a lesson in the pain that I'm experiencing and that I must be refusing to listen to it, hence the pain won't go away. 

It's been more than four months now that I hurt my back and my left leg has never been the same. I continue to walk with a limp that I very carefully try to hide. Until two weeks ago I continued with an almost daily yoga practice, but since returning from a work trip to Portland I stopped my practice - thinking that might help. It hasn't. Interesting, when in Portland I was practicing daily - except for the week-end.

While the summer has been okay I can't stop focusing on the pain that I've been experiencing. Even right now I feel the throb on the side of my left calf - it just doesn't go away. So almost daily I apologize to D for being such a bitch. At work I do my best to cover it up and for the most part succeed. This only means that when I finally do make it home I'm miserable until I have a glass of wine.

I have to deal with the pain, stop being a B, and get out of my funk. I just don't know how. I'm getting an MRI in the next few weeks to rule out anything serious.

My Life as a Turkey mum

Perhaps I DO know how to heal myself. Back is almost back to normal. Going to try mysore in the morning.

Last night D and I watched the BBC2's My Life as a Turkey. What an amazing show. You can watch the full length show for two months online. Not only did Joe (the biologist) become the mum to these wild turkey's, he shares all the lessons he learned along the way - including the emotional connection he made. He frequently spoke about how wild turkey's live in the moment and how everything we need is right here right now. I like how he used the phrase 'don't betray the moment'.

One of the best shows I've watched in a long time. The cinematography is amazing. I hope you take the time to view it.

August 1 starts with a back spasm.

I have not been around much in blog land. July was a busy month - work, life - family/friends, yoga. No recap required - just life.

This morning I was very much looking forward to being able to go to mysore practice. The teacher here only teaches one week out of the month. He just started this in July. I went to and it basically got me on the track of establishing my own early morning home practice. The idea being that I would practice three weeks and then go to his class one week out of the month.

So Sunday morning I was luxuriating in the fact that i didn't start my practice until 7:30am (compared to my 6am start). I did all of first up to garba pindasana and then started second series. I finish at Ardha Matsyendrasana. I was nice and warm so decided to practice the leg behind the head just to see how it feels. I start with my good side - left. Got it back there with relative ease. Then my right leg - it's always tight - so was just coaxing it back and forth gently (definitely not pushing it) and then it happened. I just felt my lower back spasm. Not a OMG what did I do - but enough to say okay that's enough. I'll just go and do my back bends and then finish.

Started to warm up for back bends (it's a home practice and my day to play and add things in) and definitely knew that I did something. Skipped back bending and just went into closing.

Had breakfast and definitely knew I did something but decided to ignore it.

D and I went for our walk back in the woods for just over an hour, back home, had our second breakfast, read the paper, took a short nap, another walk to the store and finally I acknowledged that indeed I had done something. I wasn't in pain - but I just couldn't arch my back - forward bends felt great.

What's interesting to me is that when D started to give me a massage - I just lost it - complete cry baby. Not something I often do, I have a very high pain tolerance. Maybe it's just all these little (and not so little) injuries that I've had this past year - whatever the reason I just really had myself a good cry. After the massage felt a bit better. At the end of my massage he rubbed this homeopathic rub that is to be used for headaches. Rubbed that on my lower back and it was basically like icey/hot without being sticky and smelly.

Rest of day just basically chilled and constantly moved around to see if my range of motion would improve. It wasn't looking good for this morning mysore.

Woke up through the night and just decided to pass. Got up at 5am and there was no way this cranky body was going to make it through practice.

So, here I am at work. Trying to make sure I get up and walk around every 30 minutes - fortunately only have two meetings - so I'm actually able to do this.

I'm able to arch slightly with no pain. I'm thinking I'll be back on for mysore in the morning and will just have to modify.

In the meantime I'm really wondering what is going on with my body - am I trying to do too much? Work can be all consuming if I let it be, family stuff completely occupying my mind, and then just living over here with all of the little differences - which I think I've acclimated too quite nicely except for the excessive littering habit of the locals. I don't know - now I'm just rambling.

Time to get up and do my walk about.

summer?

I've been reading about the summer heat in various parts of the US - I'm a little bit jealous. I say little bit, because I don't like heat - heat. But my god; we still have the heat on in this house! That's just not right. We're lucky if the high is 65; I wear a jacket every day to work, I wear short sleeved shirts and freeze all day (so I wear a scarf to compensate - thank god I have a good collection!). We even turned on the living room fireplace one night this past week. I finally took the wool throw off the bed; wish I hadn't. I've been waking up in the middle of the night freezing; that's with flannel sheets and and a light cover on top. As I'm writing this blog, D is laying on the sofa with a blanket cuddling with Mooshi and Juju.  Summer?

I have managed to get on my yoga mat Tuesday-Friday this past week. Well, I should clarify. I wake up, lay in bed with my over active monkey mind anywhere from 4 to 6, after I finally quiet the monkey mind I roll out of bed between 5:45 and 6:00am, throw on yoga clothes, walk next door to where my yoga mat lies waiting for me, start with 5 cat/cow moves and then to the top of my mat. Once I get past the first two or three Surya A's I'm fine and amazingly managed some decent practices. Finish around 8, shower get ready for work, fortunately my commute is only 15 minutes or so and roll into work around 9ish or a few minutes after. It really doesn't matter, I work so late with those fun calls back to the US a few nights a week. Plus, I get a shitload of work done each week - seriously.

Speaking of work. I had my 1:1 with my boss today - we get along really well - great mutual respect for one another. Whatever I do, he has my back. My team on the other hand - well I'll just say it's a work in progress. I doubt if they ask me to extend my contract here for another year I will accept. I don't know... I think I'd rather move over to Amsterdam and work at European HQ's. Will see - still too far in the future.

Planning trip back to Portland in August. While for work I cannot wait to see my sister, yoga friends, and perhaps even a trip up to Seattle to visit a friend. Will work out the details next week.

This week-end we're heading out for some hiking - it's supposed to be sunny both in the Peak and Lake District - need to figure out which direction to head to. Next week I'm taking Thursday and Friday off - want to drive down south somewhere. Need to figure out where.... I'm in the mood for a roadtrip with a loose agenda.

So, it's Friday night, D has fallen asleep on the couch and I'm downloading music off of iTunes. Such an exciting life we have. (seriously though, I love it)

is it too early to retire?

Normally I do not blog about work.

But I have just have to take a moment out of my day to seriously consider the possibility of cashing out on all my stock and retire right now!

Hello again....

Wow - such a long time since my last post. Life's been busy. 

We finally discovered the Lake District (amazing!), and we visited Shakespeare's birth place down south, had to travel to China again, of course I make time to be on the yoga mat, and oh yeah there's work. Implemented a big organizational change at work - very happy that's over and we started a new FY which equates to a lot of work.

Things have not really settled down, but getting back to my 6am yoga practice has helped instill my priorities. Unfortunately there is not ashtanga studio in the greater Manchester area that offers a traditional morning mysore program. But, fortunately, there is a great ashtanga teacher (Matt Ryan) who is teaching mysore one week out of every month. And finally this month I'm in town so I signed up. Since I've moved to the UK this is the first week that I've managed a six day full on ashtanga practice! Now if I could just muster the discipline on my own. The August week that Matt is teaching I'll be traveling again. I'm bummed; even trying to get out of that trip so that I can stay in town. Will see if I'm successful or not.

A bit of a sporadic post; but it's something. Need to get back to work.